We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
