If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
