I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
