I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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