and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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