what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
