shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
