best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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