he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he was CRYING into my vagina
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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