If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
it hurts more in the daytime
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
