Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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