I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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