Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
