I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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