there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
