Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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