well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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