his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
