I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
