You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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