M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
