she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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