Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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