6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
