i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
