I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
