Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
