So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Panties = found
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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