I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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