You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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