I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
