let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
