I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
