Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
