On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
