I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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