and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
