I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
