just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
