on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
