He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
