I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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