I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
