she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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