Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
