this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
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