I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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