On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
