The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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