We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
